Lockdown forced Holidays

 
Confined Holidays ! How did I dealt with that ?
 
This infectious period is unique in history and has created a very special atmosphere.
I am really weak at keeping a good routine while not doing anything.  That’s why I even plan out my weekends.  And it has been long that I didn’t spend two weeks doing nothing alone.
Lives are busy and we are cought up in our routines to really converse with ourselves.  We escape the talks with ourselves. Holidays at home were a challenge. I was first excited to enter in this holiday time because of its originality after spending three weeks working from home.
I knew that if I freestyled these holidays they will be of no use. So from the 2nd day onward, I worked out a plan. Make a grid to list whatever I wanted to do. I have separate chart of the salah that lies next to my prayer rag.
I had some books I’ve always wanted to read but always kept delaying. So I started them. And I just commited to every day just read a little piece of them.  I felt joyful when I crossed as many sections I could of my table.
This is my table and I enjoyed learning the seerah of my beloved prophet(saw) from Yasir Qadhi and hearing  surah al-e-Imran tafseer by Dr Israr Ahmed. Then to learn Arabic with Amir Sohail.  Sometimes, it matched so perfectly that I would get two versions of the same facts and this would solidify the events in my memory. I multiplied the religious resources in order to learn more but not to get bored. So I limited one episode per day of each. Normally it would take three hours of my day.
I would pray on time because I’ve been blaming the society for so long to not to be able to offer prayer on time. Now that I had the chance I had to take it. I read whatever I could of Quran. This was intresting because I’ve done the tasfseer of Surah Baqarah in Ramadan last year. And starting anew the Quran, I passed through that and reached surah Al-e- Imran where my actual focus was these days.
I tried to memorize two more ayahs of Surah ghafir. And I would recite them in my prayers to practice. I can’t explain the feeling when I recited the newly memorized ayah in my prayer. Like a proof to Allah, oh Allah I am your servent and I learned a new ayah here. I went through a workshop with my younger sister to correct my memorization as she’s memorizing Quran from musch longer time. It was strange to elarn from somebody younger than you but I was willing to. It’s their knowledge that gives them stature not age. And I am willing to repeat it when I learn some more.

To remain focused in these videos I worked out a scheme to keep my hands busy because if not I wanted to play with my mobile end up on facebook watching amazing daddy with kids videos. I did some embroidery, some 3D origami, a painting, covering up a lipton box in a sewing kit. Also for  Seerah and  Tafseer sessions since I was more interested by the sound track ( I would follow the ayahs on my mushaf for tafsser), I downloaded it on my computer. Once organized in different folders it increased my efficiency. Also, for this I would sit on the table/chair configuration. Making your mind understand that you are working. This work is meaningful for you.
 
For Arabic classes, I would take notes and practice along.  Ma sha allah the videos are concise and very well edited. The Professor is intresting and tells hadiths and relates the lessons to the Quran right away. And Ma sha allah when I see the faces of the students of this class I am impressed. These are for a majority 40+ men willing to learn a new language. They are not on a drama, on an instagram or tiktok shows. I wonder how much Allah loves their faces and has blessed them to assist in these classes.

Also, I discovered the sacredfootsteps podcasts series along with their very sourceful website. I enjoyed their stories on instagram. I enjoyed listening to their podcast every day. They brought up everytime some new visions and eyeopening conversation.  Just to quote one of them was about Kashmiri identity. I would very much recommend you to try them and I bet that you stay with them. They also organize trips and discuss travelogues. Pretty much everything I was looking for. I was not a history person but their extensive knowledge has awaken a growing curiosity in me to know more.  I was reading Mumtaz Mufti’s Labaik book which is kind of a pilgrimage journal. And through sfootsteps I started it analyzing in a different way. I heard about the lonely planet guide on Saudia Arabia and watched some stories of Bengali neighbourhood in Makkah, I tagged places on my Gmaps for visit. This has been so enriching.

Along with this, I read a chapter a day of Reclaim your heart. This book is the sister of “Forty Rules of love by Elif Shafak. This book is so heavy that I’ve been delaying it for so long because I was not ready for taking it. Now I felt it was the right moment. Reading it and digesting it is so helpful.  Few pages a day gives you time to pounder.
Somewhere between, usually after my seerah’s lesson I would call my mum who was also following the series to discuss about it.
 
This is also during this period that I would pray my first ever Tahajjud. One day after offering Tahajjud I slept and was awaken by my alarm for fajr. It got me confused because for me I just had prayed and I couldn’t recall which prayer it was. Alhamdulillah, this was a very special feeling. It’s like my first Salah hadn’t quit me that I was again called to prayer. And that’s why it is so important to guard our Salahs.
We had our very first  family meeting for zikr. This was a really special session where we could actually reconnect overseas and join prayers. We are hoping to continue these sessions. And this could be a new means to have a Quran Khuwani actually.
Tomorrow, I will be joining work again. While I’ll be praying on time inshallah, I fear I’ll be gossiping again. I fear not to be able to carry on all these activities. Though confinement is a bit of boring but it helped me focus on this knowledge I’ve never tried to pursue. Through sacredfootsteps I connected to an Egyptian photographer who takes beautiful mosques in Cairo and post different series of photos on Friday. This helped me to get conscious of Friday to take part in the ummah’s activities from which I’ve been so much deconnected.
After 5 weeks of confinement, I’m afraid of going out now and having to take off my dupatta and get caught up in Dunya.  Though, this ramzan is gonna be very special.
I had first taken a Netflix subscription to cope with time and the only documentary I’ve seen is about Perou and watched Edward Snowed stories. Following my schedule I wanted my work to be more valueable. And then at nights I would be stuck with my overthinkingness. So many souvenirs came back to me. Our sleeping at roof under open sky. Our fights as kids.
Basically, I entered the confinement with my ideas stuck with I want to stay in France whether I marry or not. But these lessons have changed my perspective and shaped it around Allah. The goal of my life is just to worship Him. So whether I get married or not is not a problem. I saw only worldly problem while now I’ve the certainity in my heart that this is not a problem. I’m in a bigger trouble that’s to escape the Hellfire. I could recall of many of my sins I had forgotten.  I can look upon my life with a new light. And Alhamdulillah what an incredible perspective to retrace the history, to house workshops. I felt a vision two days ago in which, I was looking truly happy and I was laughing. I had never felt this radiant joy before. Since then, I’ve practiced my smile in the mirror and taken extra care of my hygiene. I’ve perfumed for prayer. and put on lipstick and worn my earrings for my own sake. I’ve had really hard time with Sabr. I heard a beautiful recitation of Surah Yousouf ans I remembered of Hazrat Yaqoub (as) deprived of his most beloved son. I recalled his Sabr. And the Sabr of Rasoul (saw) when they suffered in Makkah for 13 years.  Things take time to build up. Everything has a reason. I’ve sometimes seen the wisdom in Allah’s perfect transitions in my life. I’ll keep trying.

Few times though, I’ve lowered the Azan because I was talking to someone. Few times I have lowered the sound to not disturb my neighbours. But more and more when I go out to clap our Doctors and nurses on my terrace I wear my scarf to let people know my faith. I expose it whenever I do something good. I’m okay with my self. Now will people be comfortable with my comfortable self ? I fear that, that willing to please them I would stop practicing my faith.

I struggled with Fajr for four weeks. Since few days I am able to pray it. I so much want to be an insect, an ant to outfold the script written for me not having to fear of my laziness. Because if a human can do more, it can also be lazy and do nothing.
I’ve put my skirt to pray sometimes. I’m trying to integrate that my “wants” are really insignificant from the religious perspective. I’ve given up the video call because I didn’t wanted to show a scarfless face.
I did some decluttering in my cupboards. Somethings are gone. I wish other will follow. And I could live a minimalist tranquil life. I’ve had hard time parting way from my tickets, my old canteen cards. But all put in the perspective it will inshallah help me to do more.
I’ve finished the spices, spinach in my freezer. I look forward to finish my ginger, my rice and floor reserve.
So, even if I haven’t traveled outside, I love to think that I’ve strived to travel inwardly. May Allah turn it to a transformation that I become from the larvae that beautiful butterfly I embroided. May Allah help me to be conscious of Him and meet my death with serenity. Ameen.